Gimme A Break

Or a creative outlet!

For months, I've been itching to get my hands on one of my canvases and box of paints and just play around.  I used to paint and draw every day, but it's been years since I regularly got creative.  And it's been almost a year since I've done any painting at all.

I've been monkeying around with knitting and crochet, which has been wonderful; relaxing and soothing, and even useful!  But it's not painting.

I used to tell Ryan that I felt sexy when I had paint all over my hands.  Then something happened, and I didn't get into it like I used to.  I didn't know then what triggered that bout of depression that killed my creativity, but now that I look back on when it started, I know exactly what it was.  Bouncing from job to job, moving a lot, the stress of school and work, and the frantic planning of a wedding (which for me was horrible, because I really SUCK at planning even a coffee date...).  That's probably enough to send anyone into a depression!  In any case, there I was, falling into it, and losing my passion.

Even though I felt better once school was done, had changed jobs and was in the same house for more than six months, I didn't feel the same about painting or drawing.  I started comparing myself to every other artist out there, and always, always thought, "I'll never be that good".  What a horrible thing to tell yourself!

If I could go back in time, I would, and I would smack myself square across the face.  That's all.  I can't think of anything I would say to myself.  I just hope that would be enough to keep a brush in my hand and the passion for painting in my heart.

So, for the past few years, I would try, and try, and try to paint, but I would always fail because I kept telling myself that I wasn't good enough to even bother trying.  Even so, the urge, the desire, the need to paint has been growing.  I still look at the work of other artists and marvel at their talents, but I've also been looking at some of my own work from the past, and feeling good about it.  Not because I think it's amazing stuff, but because it felt amazing to create.