Gimme A Break

Or a creative outlet!

For months, I've been itching to get my hands on one of my canvases and box of paints and just play around.  I used to paint and draw every day, but it's been years since I regularly got creative.  And it's been almost a year since I've done any painting at all.

I've been monkeying around with knitting and crochet, which has been wonderful; relaxing and soothing, and even useful!  But it's not painting.

I used to tell Ryan that I felt sexy when I had paint all over my hands.  Then something happened, and I didn't get into it like I used to.  I didn't know then what triggered that bout of depression that killed my creativity, but now that I look back on when it started, I know exactly what it was.  Bouncing from job to job, moving a lot, the stress of school and work, and the frantic planning of a wedding (which for me was horrible, because I really SUCK at planning even a coffee date...).  That's probably enough to send anyone into a depression!  In any case, there I was, falling into it, and losing my passion.

Even though I felt better once school was done, had changed jobs and was in the same house for more than six months, I didn't feel the same about painting or drawing.  I started comparing myself to every other artist out there, and always, always thought, "I'll never be that good".  What a horrible thing to tell yourself!

If I could go back in time, I would, and I would smack myself square across the face.  That's all.  I can't think of anything I would say to myself.  I just hope that would be enough to keep a brush in my hand and the passion for painting in my heart.

So, for the past few years, I would try, and try, and try to paint, but I would always fail because I kept telling myself that I wasn't good enough to even bother trying.  Even so, the urge, the desire, the need to paint has been growing.  I still look at the work of other artists and marvel at their talents, but I've also been looking at some of my own work from the past, and feeling good about it.  Not because I think it's amazing stuff, but because it felt amazing to create.

Sunshine On My Window

With the chirping of birds, sprouting of grass and warmer days, we know spring is here!  I think Logan feels it, too, because he definitely wants to spend more time outside these days.  Our backyard isn't much more than a field of weeds with a big tree that drops more sticks than leaves.  While a little boy could have lots of fun digging in the dirt, I have other visions of outdoor play-time for my son.

For the past few weeks, I've been on the hunt for a good outdoor play set, something Logan can climb up, slide down, and crawl over, through and under.  My search has been in vain, though.  New sets can range from $150 to over $300, which I'm not willing to pay.  I know, they're huge, and awesome, but my wallet cries just thinking about parting with that much for a toy Logan will only play with for a couple of years.  Used ones are no better, still costing from $80 to over $150. 

Even smaller items seem to be over priced, for my liking.  I'd love to give Logan a tricycle that I can push for now, and he can grow into.  Once again, I'm looking at spending about $100!  I think not!  Used bikes all seem to be missing the push handle.  This quest for outdoor fun has been anything but fun for me.

We've been resorting to cheaper, smaller items; balls, small sand toys, sticks, rocks and one-sided games of "tag" and "follow the leader", and blowing bubbles.  Today I found some mini-soccer sets at a Dollarama, so I bought two, knowing that the cones will get lost and broken, and the dog will inevitably tear the ball apart.  I also bought two other balls to play with outside, so I hope this will cover our backyard time for now. 

As for climbing, sliding and swinging...  We'll just have to go to the park like folks used to do!

I have to remind myself that Logan doesn't measure fun by the stuff he has.  He measures fun by the things he can do, and the time we spend together.  So what if I can't afford the cool outdoor play set this year?  I can go get messy in the dirt with my boy, instead.

Soap is cheaper, anyway.